Complacent

::Boring life blog warning::

I woke up today not necessarily feeling better and not necessarily feeling worse (look to last blog if you don't understand.). I'm not sure what time i woke up and i don't know how long i laid in my bed either. All i remember of this morning was that my mother was leaving to go somewhere, and that's where my memory ends. I just got back from somewhere. I don't remember where. I think i went over to my cousin Nathaniel's house to wish him a happy birthday. Yeah, that sounds right. I've had this one song put on replay all day. The Man Of A Thousand Faces by Regina Spektor. I keep going back to one line when she sings:

Good is better than perfect

scrub till your fingers are bleeding

and I’m crying for things that

I tell others to do without crying

He used to go to his favorite bookstores

and rip out his favorite pages

and stuff ‘em into his breast pockets

and the moon, to him, was a stranger

I think i understand where Regina is coming from in this song. Certainly i know what she means when she says, "And i'm crying for things that i tell others to do without crying." I'm doing that right now. Normally if someone i knew was sad and complacent over some guy i would simply tell them to either pick themselves up or move on, don't just wallow in self-pity. I know now why they always resented my advise. Sometimes, you just really really want to wallow in self-pity. I actually want to be depressed for a while, okay? I want to be a bit moody. So please don't tell me to move on, because that might make this even worse.

I'm not here to yell at all of you. I don't even know why i keep saying "all of you." As far as i know, there are only two people who even read this blog.

You know how i promised you guys that my every thought is yours to hear? Well don't judge me and call me creepy, but lately i have really been admiring the inside of my forearms. They're so white and clear and you can see the pretty blue veins and bones disappear into pale skin. It's really captivating. How the blue curves and twists, i just love it. Oh dear, i really am sounding creepy now.

I think i have successfully wasted my day completely. My mom might be mad at me. Honestly, i don't really care anymore.

Comments are better than rain

Sincerely,

Me